I was crying just now, for Michael Jackson, not cause he was King of Pop Music or whatever, but cause he fucking inspired me ever since i was 6, cause “Michael was a personal love of mine. A treasured part of my world … “. Shall he perfectly dance in peace.

Anyways .. this is the most true, most honest and saddest monolouge I’ve ever heard. It’s from a incredible depressive movie called Synedoche New York.

PLEASE READ THIS :

“Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make. You can destroy your life every time you choose, But maybe you won’t know for twenty years, And you may never ever trace it to its source, And you only get one chance to play it out, And they say there is no fate,
But there is;
It’s what you create.
And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, You are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second.
Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born.
But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right
And it never comes, or it seems to but it doesn’t really.
So you spend your time in vague regret,
or vaguer hope that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected. Something to make you feel whole. Something to make you feel loved.
And the truth is I feel so angry.
And the truth is I feel so fucking sad.
And the truth is, I’ve felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long, And for just as long, I’ve been pretending I’m okay, just to get along, just for…
I don’t know why.
Maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery;
Because they have their own.
Well,

Fuck everybody.
Amen.”

Goin down to Tehran gonna leave my voes behind
Blank pages everyday, humble folks without temptation.

[ you wont undrestand a thing if u haven't seen southpark . ]

i swear i would have done anything.

There are certain stuff that i do, having no apparent reason. I just feel like i have to do them, and i’m certain about it, like i’m 100% sure about doing them, but i’ve no idea why am i doing it.

It doesn’t happen that often, and sometimes it’s huge decisions that i make, .. erm .. i’m not sure, but maybe going to Malaysia was one of those decisions … .

Anyways,although did climb yesterday, and my body’s exhausted (can’t even walk properly), i’m going to climb in some strange place with some strange people that I barely know, which might be no fun at all. One other sample of those things that i just do.

.

.

.

There’s a small chance, that i actually DO have reasons .. but they’re so ridiculous to mention. So i just conceal them, and pretend that i don’t actually believe in them.

I couldn’t really think, had a terrible head ache.

I said that ” … I’m tired of considering the circumstances, and all i care is the consequence , which is not that pleasing. I’m sorry if world isn’t justiceful and all, but it’s not my fault…” ,

Then i felt like a jerk. Maybe i was one, but it wasn’t my fault.

.

.

Or maybe it was, i think i added that i didn’t care.

you know how you always have a picture of your future , i mean at least your really close future, .. like u know you’ve gotta book to read, gotta do your laundry this weekend, u’ll see ur friends one of these days … it’s always this–at least– unlcear idea, of what’s gonna happen, and whachu gonna do in next couple hours/days/week/months/years …

Each person, has this calendar in his mind, and there’s random shit written in each random day/month/year …. , stuff like .. erm … i dunno .. like weeks ago, there was “exams”, “finishing highschool/graduating” , “doing the ielts test” and all in my imaginary calender.

it has never happened to me before this, but for the first time, it’s all blank. like i’ve no idea what the hell’s gonna happen to me after Monday. No Clue at All ! .. i dunno what’s the reason .. probably i’m gonna die on Monday or something ! .. haha ! :q … but seriously, i’m not certain about anything after Monday. well … except that i’m sure i’m not gonna see Ayesha anymore, but besides that, it’s all blank pages .

there’s something bout going back to Iran which is freaking the shit outta me …
No clue what it is, i’m just scared , never felt this frightened of anything before.

Or maybe i just don’t have the guts to face … nevermind .

i just experienced laughing with my tears on my face … kinda cool, felt world’s not that horrible after all, for a dozen seconds ..

something bout the way hair falls in your face

So in order to totally screw your soul, all you’ve gotta do is pretending.

First pretend that you don’t like something/someone, while you do, just to make your “body” feel comfort and relieved. Next thing you know, your soul is officially screwed up, and you emotions and feeling are messed up to. god knows what happens next ..